REGINA LARKO | Our Worth, Our Work, and Why We’re So Busy, Really

Introduction: What Really Keeps Us So Busy?

Lauren Davis:

Beneath the Busy. A podcast that gives us the opportunity to step back from all the noise and examine what really keeps us so busy.

Earlier this year, I had the opportunity to be a guest on Regina Larco’s Lead with Your Voice podcast. We discussed exactly what keeps us busy all the time, what sits beneath this need to be productive, useful, and always on.

We called it our worth, our work, and what keeps us so busy, really. We delved into the core of the issue and had a really interesting conversation.

So take a breath, settle in, and let’s get into it.

The Fear Beneath Success

Regina Larco:

Welcome to Lead with Your Voice, Lauren.

Lauren Davis:

Thank you so much. I’m so excited to be here and have this conversation with you.

Regina Larco:

I really want to go straight in. Of course, everyone who wants to dig deeper with you can find all your links in the show notes, including how to connect with you and listen to your amazing podcast.

But I don’t want to tiptoe around it.

From your experience working with clients all over the world and supporting people on their personal and leadership journeys, what do you notice people are most afraid to say out loud?

Lauren Davis:

Sure. Going right to the heart of it.

It’s funny because I’ve just come off a call with a senior executive, and I think the thing people are most afraid to say out loud—and it often takes a good few sessions before they feel comfortable saying it, even in a safe space—is:

“Am I good enough?”

I think that’s at the core of it.

It doesn’t matter how successful they are, how many accolades they’ve received, how many titles they hold, or what their salary is. It all comes down to:

“When am I going to be discovered for not knowing what the hell I’m doing?”

I almost feel like everybody I speak to feels they’re one step away from being caught out.

Regina Larco:

It’s interesting that you say that because I see something very similar in the people I work with, especially those stepping into visibility for the first time.

Whether it’s speaking on a stage, appearing on a podcast, speaking up in meetings, or even having vulnerable conversations around a dinner table, there’s often this feeling that it isn’t safe.

From your perspective as a clinical psychologist, what helps someone feel safe in those vulnerable moments of visibility?

Separating Your Worth From Your Work

Lauren Davis:

If I had a magic wand and could fix it with one solution, I think it would be this:

Separating our worth from our work.

Separating how we feel about ourselves from what we do.

I think we’ve become so caught up, as a human race, in doing. All of our external achievements and trappings become representations of our worth.

That’s why visibility feels so unsafe.

It feels precarious because at any moment, if I mess up on stage, if my podcast doesn’t get enough likes, if I lose my job, if my status changes—then who am I?

Those external things can disappear in an instant.

The work I do with people is about asking:

“Who am I without those external trappings?”

It’s not a quick fix. It’s deep, difficult work. It requires courage, introspection, and challenge.

In simple terms, it’s a shift from external validation to internal validation.

It’s not about becoming narcissistic or arrogant and saying, “I’m amazing.”

It’s about saying:

“I’m human. I’m inherently flawed. Sometimes I’ll get things wrong. Sometimes I’ll get things right. And regardless, I’m okay with who I am.”

It’s trusting your ability to cope when things are hard and your ability to appreciate life when things are good.

But it’s not easy.

Regina Larco:

Even putting that guard down can feel terrifying.

People wonder what others will think when they discover what’s underneath.

I love the idea of stripping away the labels and identities we’ve built around ourselves and asking who we are without them.

Learning the Hard Way Through Burnout

Lauren Davis:

About seven or eight years ago, I had to drop my cape.

I genuinely believed I was Superwoman.

I was trying to do everything. I had all the trappings. I was trying to prove how capable and brilliant I was.

And then I burnt out—badly.

When that cape came off and I took off the superhero outfit, I crashed quite hard because suddenly I was left wondering:

“Who am I if I’m not this superwoman?”

The difficult part was that everyone around me reinforced it.

People would tell me:

“You’re amazing.”

“I don’t know how you do it all.”

“You’re such an inspiration.”

They were validating something that was actually deeply unsustainable.

I remember walking on the promenade with my mentor and talking about all of this.

I said to her:

“I’ve decided to resign from Lauren Davis Consulting.”

That was the name of my business at the time.

I told her:

“I have the most terrible boss. She expects me to work all hours. I never take leave. I have to be available all the time. Nothing is ever good enough.”

And then I realised:

I was talking about myself.

That was a pivotal moment.

There were two ideas I started playing with that still challenge me today.

The first was:

“It’s okay to be disagreeable.”

I don’t have to agree with everyone. I don’t have to say yes all the time. Not everybody has to like me.

For a people-pleaser, that was incredibly difficult.

The second was:

“It’s okay to be ordinary.”

Or even mediocre.

Honestly, I still cringe saying that word.

I’m still competitive. My husband and I compare everything. We go for health checks and I want a better score than him.

But I came to realise that I cannot be exceptional at everything.

I cannot be above average all the time.

And actually, I don’t want to be.

Being ordinary is part of being human.

If I can let go of the expectation that I must excel at everything and instead become comfortable in my own skin regardless of what I’m achieving, then life becomes much lighter.

That was the journey.

But I learned it the hard way.

Why We Fear Failure More Than We Realise

Regina Larco:

Something shifted in me when you said that.

There’s almost a sense of relief in hearing it.

So many people want to lead. They want the big stage, the large audience, the successful podcast, the visible platform.

And that’s not to say they can’t achieve those things.

But often they want to already be extraordinary before they’ve even begun.

When someone starts a podcast, for example, it’s usually not amazing at the beginning.

It takes experience. It takes practice. It takes repetition.

Do you think that fear of not being immediately exceptional holds people back from even trying?

Lauren Davis:

Absolutely.

I think a lot of it comes down to fear of failure.

Part of us believes we’re capable, but another part is terrified of failing.

So unconsciously, people decide it’s safer not to try.

Because if I don’t try, I don’t have to face the possibility of failure.

And I don’t have to feel those uncomfortable emotions.

The other reality is that many of us simply don’t want to do the hard work.

We all want the six-pack.

Few of us want to go to the gym every day and do the work required to get it.

Human beings naturally seek comfort and pleasure.

When something feels uncomfortable, our brains often interpret that discomfort as danger.

We think:

“This feels uncomfortable, therefore it must be wrong.”

But life doesn’t work that way.

Embracing Uncertainty, Pain, and Hard Work

Lauren Davis:

There’s an incredible psychiatrist and psychotherapist I follow named Phil Stutz.

He talks about three things that are unavoidable in life:

• Uncertainty
• Pain
• Hard work

Those three things are guaranteed.

We cannot avoid them.

I think the moment we stop fighting that reality and engage with it compassionately, we become more courageous.

As long as we’re chasing comfort, ease, and certainty, we’re going to stay stuck.

We’re terrified that failure will reveal we’re not good enough.

So we stay where we are and complain about it instead of moving forward.

Regina Larco:

Are there any gentle practices people can use to help themselves move through that discomfort?

What Sits Beneath the Busy?

Lauren Davis:

I think it starts with asking an honest question:

“What am I being busy about?”

Am I busy because it’s genuinely necessary?

Or am I busy because I’m trying to prove something?

Am I trying to prove my worth?

Am I trying to show how productive I am?

Am I seeking affirmation?

If we’re honest with ourselves, a lot of our busyness is driven by those motivations.

There is necessary busyness, of course.

But much of it is self-created.

One of the episodes in Season One of my podcast is called Busy Is the New Lazy.

I called it that because busyness often allows us to avoid looking at the things we don’t want to confront.

We don’t want to feel uncomfortable emotions.

We don’t want to examine ourselves.

So we stay busy.

The second piece is learning to spend time with yourself and your emotions.

The good emotions.

The difficult emotions.

All of them.

Learning that sadness, grief, anger, and disappointment are part of being human.

They’re uncomfortable, but they won’t destroy you.

The more comfortable we become sitting with our emotions, the less we need busyness as a distraction.

Leading Authentically: Balancing Doing and Being

Regina Larco:

If someone wants to lead differently—to lead more authentically—where do they begin?

Lauren Davis:

I think it starts with balancing a paradox.

The paradox between doing and being.

Most of us spend too much time doing.

If we want to lead our teams, our families, or ourselves well, we need to know when it’s time to act and when it’s time to simply be.

The whole idea of work-life balance has created a false divide where we’re either working or living.

I don’t think that’s helpful.

Instead, I see it as a continuum.

There are times when we need to do.

But when doing starts tipping into exhaustion, burnout, and depletion, we need to open the self-compassion tap.

We need to rest.

Recharge.

Spend time with people we love.

Do things that bring us joy.

And trust that when we’ve rested enough, we’ll naturally move back into action.

The problem is that we’re terrified of rest because we think we’ll never start moving again.

Regina Larco:

Or we’ll never catch up.

Lauren Davis:

Exactly.

The analogy I often use is driving a car.

You know when to accelerate.

You know when to brake.

You know when to stop.

And you know when to move forward again.

What we need is the self-trust to do the same thing with ourselves.

To recognise:

“I’ve done enough. Now I need to rest.”

Or:

“I’ve rested enough. Now it’s time to move.”

Not based on external expectations or productivity targets, but based on our actual capacity, energy, and wellbeing.

Regina Larco:

Let’s all start reflecting on what sits beneath our busyness.

Lauren, thank you so much for sharing your wisdom and your time with us.

Everyone, head over and listen to Lauren’s podcast.

Thank you so much for being here.

Lauren Davis:

Thank you.

Thanks for having me.

Closing Notes

Toto:

Hi there, this is Toto, producer and editor here at LJD Headquarters and Beneath the Busy.

Before you head off into the rest of your day or week, I’d love to leave you with a quick note.

Please take some time to explore Regina Larco’s wonderful work. She delivers coaching, keynotes, and workshops focused on leadership, confidence, and courage, and she’s involved in some incredible community initiatives.

You can find her at reginalarco.com, across social media platforms, and through her podcast, #Impact.

If you’d like to learn more about Lauren and her work—which I highly recommend—you can visit ljdwellbeing.com, find LJD Wellbeing on YouTube, or follow Beneath the Busy Podcast on Instagram.

In addition to Lauren’s keynotes, workshops, and coaching for leaders and HR professionals, there are also online courses and a free mental health masterclass available on the website.

I also want to tell you about a special upcoming episode.

In two weeks, Lauren sits down with the South African Depression and Anxiety Group (SADAG) for a candid and insightful conversation.

You can follow updates through our social media channels, the Beneath the Busy Podcast accounts, Lauren’s newsletter, or the website.

Thank you so much for your time.

Enjoy the rest of your day or week.

And until next time, be well and take care.